What Being a Rule Follower Taught Me About Love
When I first opened my marriage, I remember reading stories from people in the polyamory world who would say things like:
“I’ve always been poly. Even as a kid, I didn’t understand why love had to be limited to just one person.”
And at the time, I thought—wow, that’s beautiful.
But I didn’t relate. At all.
I didn’t grow up feeling that way.
I didn’t feel like polyamory had always been my truth just waiting to be discovered.
For a while, I wondered if that meant I wasn’t truly cut out for this path.
Maybe I was forcing something.
Maybe it wasn’t “natural” for me.
But recently, I had a revelation that reframed everything:
I wasn’t not polyamorous.
I was just a really good rule follower.
And not because that was my essence—but because that was how I learned to survive.
As a child, being the “good girl” was how I received love. I was praised for being obedient, agreeable, accommodating. I became a perfectionist and people-pleaser because it made me feel safe. It made me feel wanted.
So of course, I internalized the rules.
And one of those rules, in our culture, is monogamy.
When I chose to get married, I did it with deep love and deep integrity. I believed in the vows I made. I genuinely thought that meant choosing exclusivity—and I was satisfied with that.
There was nothing “missing” in my marriage.
We didn’t open because something was broken.
We opened because the invitation came at the exact right time, in the exact right way, and we both felt ready to explore PLAY.
It was a conscious, intentional choice.
And it changed everything.
Because once I started to peel back the layers—beneath the rules, beneath the conditioning, beneath the performance—I realized something beautiful:
My natural instinct is to love freely.
To love in ways that don’t limit or compete.
To bring my full, loving presence to each moment and each connection, without needing to control or possess it.
I’ve never felt the urge to “take” someone from anyone else.
I’ve never enjoyed the idea of being someone’s escape or exclusive fantasy.
I don’t thrive on competition—quite the opposite.
I thrive on depth. On presence. On authenticity.
And for me, that truth is this:
Love wants to move.
It wants to be shared.
It doesn’t get smaller when it’s offered to more than one person—it expands.
This doesn’t mean everyone should open their intimate relationship. That’s not what I’m saying.
This is just MY story.
And I share it because maybe there are others like me—people who didn’t feel “born for this,” but who are discovering that maybe they were simply trained out of their natural way of loving.
That maybe their high integrity and devotion led them into a structure that made sense at the time… but doesn’t fully reflect their soul’s capacity.
That maybe they’ve always been capable of loving more than one… not out of avoidance or dissatisfaction… but because that’s who they are underneath the conditioning.
Opening my marriage was one of the most transformative decisions of my life.
It wasn’t easy—far from it. It brought up every shadow, every fear, every old story I’d been carrying.
But it also cracked me open in the best way.
It set me on a path of becoming my highest, most radiant self.
It showed me that healing doesn’t always have to be hard.
That healing is really just allowing.
Allowing love.
Allowing truth.
Allowing who you’ve always been to take up space.
I offer this nuance not as a roadmap—but as a possibility.
For anyone who doesn’t relate to the “born this way” narrative…
For anyone who wonders if it’s okay to grow into their truth…
For anyone who needed to follow the rules for a while in order to feel safe.
You’re not behind.
You’re not broken.
You’re just remembering.
And love—real, boundless, radiant love—has never been something you had to earn.
It’s what you are.
In sovereign pleasure,
Sharon
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